Committing To Positivity

If killing someone is a crime, how on earth is killing oneself not a crime?

In the wake of a recent celebrity suicide in India, media has been buzzing with people sharing their thoughts, offering help and advice on taking care of mental health. Among all the postings, there was one that caught my eye. There were many people, including actress Deepika Padukone condemning the media for using the words ‘committed suicide’ instead of ‘died by suicide’. 

While I agree that mental illness is a topic that should be discussed and treated, I disagreed with the above sentiments.

The point being raised is that, since suicide is driven by depression or anxiety, it should not be treated as a crime. I empathize with people going through depression, I am all for helping them and encouraging people to not be stigmatized by the taboos surrounding it and instead focus on getting help in any way they can. I have lived through my own depression and have had suicidal thoughts but I found the strength to go past it.  Having said that, when depression cannot be a reason to get away for killing someone, it cannot be a reason for killing yourself. It should still be considered a crime. 

In fact, it is a punishable offense in many countries like Bangladesh, Bahamas, UAE, Malaysia, and many African countries. Historically, the bodies of people committing suicide were not treated with respect and were denied a normal burial. That has long since stopped and laws were made to distinguish between suicide, homicide, and euthanasia. Regardless, it should not be the only option. 

We need to stop sensationalizing it and instead open more resources to help people in need. We need to take a moment to try and understand what people might be going through and be patient with them. Sometimes all they need is a listening ear. 

End of the day, committing suicide is a crime and should be treated as one. That might probably stop people from taking that extreme step and instead seek help from the right people. 

Reach out. Seek help!

“Halfway House”

Michelle Obama called her brief stint with ‘bangs’ her mid-life crisis! Brad Pitt grew his hair long when he went through his crisis and of course, I got myself a tattoo!

Mid-Life Crisis! It’s a word that is getting thrown around a lot. It seems to be the answer to every question. It is the cause of all the madness as we get closer to those confused ages. Celebrity or not it’s a crisis that seems to hit everyone, caste, gender no bar!

Midlife crisis is a term used for a period of emotional crisis, loss of self-identity and self-confidence. Usually, it happens between the ages 40-60, plus or minus a few. It is a time period in life when people seem to lose a sense of purpose and they look for something to latch on to. They have many questions and no answers. Some cultures are known to be more predisposed to this crisis than others. Japanese and Indian cultures apparently not so much. Not so sure about that, considering what I see around me!

Some people handle this in a good productive manner and some don’t. The end result of this crisis period is what determines if it was a positive or negative crisis. How does one identify if they are having a midlife crisis?

Well, here are 8 signs that you can reflect on and look out for:

1. The ‘meh’: I call this so because everything in life seems just that; Meh! Nothing interests you and you find fault with everything. The movie sucks, the food was bland, the party boring, the people too full of themselves, so on and so forth. End of the day you end up feeling negative and bored.

2. ‘Living in the past’: You are in this phase if you consistently find yourself revisiting the past being unhappy about the choices you made and how you would have had a better life if you did differently. Maybe taken up that overseas job you refused, marrying someone else, gone after an education that you wanted, etc. You can’t let go of the past, you have to move past it and look into the future.

3. ‘What next’: Have you ever woken up and wondered why you even woke up? Have you wondered how you are going to spend the rest of your life? Is retirement going to mean watching endless TV and listening to complaints from the spouse? Am I going to die of boredom? This is the phase when most people start rethinking their personal and professional life. They crave change and in the bargain might end up making some hasty, regrettable decisions.

4. ‘In Pursuit’: I have talked to many friends who suddenly realize they have no purpose to life. They feel they were meant to do greater things in life but they just don’t know what. Many a life is wasted in the pursuit of finding this purpose. Well, guess what? It’s not necessary for everyone to have a purpose. It’s really not that important. Instead, make the best of what you have. Volunteer to social causes, find a hobby and focus on making a difference to people outside your regular sphere of life.

5. ‘The makeover’: This is the most visible kind of phase. People make drastic out-of-character changes to their everyday life. That flashy convertible, the extreme diet or workout obsession, the tight/ill-fitting clothes, the botox shots, piercings, tattoos and what not! Find that true well-wisher who can be honest with you and put you back on track. Listen to them and reevaluate your actions accordingly.

6. ‘Epiphany’: Yes, you read that right. Amazingly enough, once people hit midlife they do get epiphanies telling them what to do! Usually, these epiphanies have a single goal; to tell you your current profession or personal life sucks and you need to walk away from it to find your calling. To the shock of the other members of the household, people just walk away from a successful life to do something they-always-wanted-to-do! If you have received your ‘epiphany’ but waiting to do something about it, you may want to start by running it by a friend and then securing your personal and financial life to be able to follow your passion and dreams.

7. ‘Greener grass’: Everything looks greener on the other side. If you feel jealous of your friends and co-workers, you have entered this phase. You spend more time scrolling through people’s lives on social media and feeling pity for your miserable existence. You are jealous of their success. You find reasons for your misfortune. You forget everyone is presented with a different set of opportunities and it’s important to make the best of what one has. Time to stop thinking about others and instead focus on improving your own.

8. ‘Tick-tock’: It is the fear of mortality that brings you to this phase. You start hearing about people dying around you and you wonder when it will be your turn. Time is short and hence you make rash decisions to make the remaining time you have left memorable. People react to this phase in different ways. Some travel, some take up a hobby, some find love, buy a Harley Davidson and so on. Again, not a bad thing but it’s important to give yourself permission to do this as long as your decision is not toppling the ecosystem around you.

If you fit into one or more of these categories, you are having a midlife crisis. It is not as scary as people make it out to be and neither is it something to be taken lightly or made fun off. The negative side of the midlife crisis is that many people end up being depressed and are unable to bring themselves out of the pits. If left unaddressed, it could ruin families. There is no official diagnosis or treatment for this crisis but it requires some self-reflection to accept, understand and treat. If you are thinking of making a major change to your life, make sure you talk to a friend to ensure you are on the right path and not a crisis path.  Helping a loved one through this phase is also very important. Be a good listener, show concern and offer remedies.

There are many things you can say to people who are having a crisis to show empathy but there is one thing you should never say, and that is “You seem to be having a midlife crisis!”

Unlearning The Ways Of Our Mind

Recently I had the privilege of attending a professional education program at Harvard. I was there to engage in discussions about ‘Mindfulness For Educators’ but somewhere through the many conversations it transformed into ‘Mindfulness for myself’.  It is a stressful world out there and we tend to get lost in the blitz. Moments turn to days, then weeks, months and so on, and one fine day you catch yourself saying, ‘Life is going by too fast’.  Being mindful and bringing in a few variances to our art of living will go a long way in slowing down to relish life. The biggest weapon we can fight stress with is our own ability to choose one thought over the other. How we choose, dictates the next moment of our life. Always think before you speak, stop talking about problems and instead talk about the joys. Make that a habit you keep. So how do we unlearn the habits of the mind that we have been living with for so long? Here are the five habits of the mind we can doctor to start living a much fuller life.

How we allow the world to impact us: Many of us are very tough on ourselves. We don’t need anyone else to bring us down. We can successfully do that to ourselves very well! We allow negative experiences to have exponential impact on us, whereas we brush away any positive impact and deem it as ‘no big deal’.  We can be very unforgiving and hold ourselves to high expectations. What we need to unlearn is how to stop being so unforgiving and relish the good things that come our way. Let the negativity fall off like water off a duck and absorb the positivity like a sponge.

How we react to the stimuli around us: We live our lives mostly reacting to everything and everyone around us. These reactions, mostly knee-jerk, or emotional,  are not well thought out, educated decisions. They may not be the best course of action and we often end up regretting them. We need to unlearn reacting to situations and instead learn to respond. Pay attention to the stimuli which is forcing us to react. Take a moment to listen, be receptive and think about what your internal reactions are telling you to do. Know that we don’t have to act on every internal reaction we have. Instead, think about how you address the situation calmly. Now respond. Depending on the situation and how often you are mindful of your internal reactions, you can train yourself to respond quickly but thoughtfully.

How we interpret life: Everyone interprets life in the way that is most suitable to them. One might think honesty is the best policy and another might think it is okay to lie sometimes if it is to help someone. We become very defensive and attached to our interpretations of life. We can’t let go and we try very hard to convince everyone around, including ourself, how we are on the right path of life. We need to unlearn making our perfectly formed opinions, our facts of life. We need to be open to seeing life through different lenses to get a clearer, wholesome view of the world around us.

How we poison ourselves:  All the negativity that we hold on to is nothing but poison. Resentment towards others is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. The only person suffering here is you. Anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, frustration, disappointment are all poisons that destroy us. Let’s be realistic here. We cannot have a life devoid of negative emotions but we can train ourselves to not allow it to linger for more than a few minutes. We should be able to reason with our mind and replace the negative emotions with something positive like hope, excitement, gratitude, joy and so on.

How we breathe: Yes! Many of us have been breathing wrong all through our life. Me included! I always thought we inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. But the nose is for breathing and mouth is for talking. Here are the top three reasons why nose breathing is good for you: 1) The nose hair acts as a natural air filter, keeping the pollutants and chemicals out. 2) The mucous lining your nose warms or cools the air to the right temperature so you don’t get sick. 3) The nostrils are designed to inhale and exhale the right amount of oxygen needed by your body.

A simple act of fixing how we breathe ensures the air contacts the olfactory nerves to stimulate your brain and put it into its natural rhythm. If you don’t breathe through your nose, in a sense you’re only half alive.

Allow yourself to live in the moment. Even if you are surrounded by problems, just lean in… and relax. Sometimes you just have to ‘let it be’; it’s not always the best choice to ‘let it go’. Focus on the moment you are in and savor it. Once you are in the moment, hold on to it. Make a connection with your spiritual side and commit to the values that you deem important. 

Credits & Thank you:
Metta McGarvey – Educational Co-Chair, Harvard
Joseph Zolner – Senior Director of Programs – Harvard                                                     Andres, Ali & Atman – Holistic Life Foundation                                                                       Lama Rod Owens  – IBme

 

 

 

 

 

Laws Of Attraction

Recently I watched a documentary that claimed to have the secret to  having a life that one wants. It was a very simple secret, something which most know but don’t apply it or don’t believe in. It talked about how your positive thoughts have the power to attract a positive world around you and likewise, negative thoughts would cause bad things to happen to you. In short, you will attract what you are feeling right now.

Whatever happens to you is because it’s what you wanted. It maybe something you really don’t need but by thinking about it constantly, you are willing it to happen. So if you think you are going to fail in an exam, you will because thats the kind of energy you are creating around you. If you think you will get a promotion, because you deserve it and you start feeling good about it, you will get that promotion. That positivity will make it happen. You even reading this blog is because something in you attracted you to this. There is a message here that you needed to read.

A few weeks ago, I remember watching an episode on Seinfeld which talked about how everything evens out for Jerry. He loses 10 dollars and he finds 10, he gets dumped by a girlfriend and another comes by. So I was wondering if that is true for everyone. During that week, I had ordered a pair of uggs and when they got delivered, it turned out to be a tad too tight. The store wouldn’t take it back since it was from the clearance rack. So while I was wondering how to even out my loss of over 200 dollars, the universe played its role. A friend bought those shoes from me for 50% of the price, I found a $100 note in a forgotten old bag and I got a $100 check from my college because someone joined from my recommendation! So in just a weeks time, I had evened out, actually profiting from what I thought was couple of hundred down the drain.

So how do we attract this positive energy? Here is a simple step by step process:

1. Relax your mind and body: Meditate for a few minutes and just focus on your breathing.
2. Write down what you want: As silly as it sounds, take a pen and actually write down in your neatest handwriting, what you actually want. If you are clear in your thoughts, the universe will also be able to understand your needs and will grant it easily.
3. Ask the universe: Think of the universe as a ‘Miracle lamp’ that can be rubbed many times and will grant you infinite wishes. So ask. If you want a car, visualize yourself in that car driving it. If you want love, visualize being with that person and enjoying happy moments.
4. Write a thank you note: Thank the universe for granting you the wish, even though you haven’t received it yet. Imagine you have it and are enjoying it. Express your gratitude.
5. Feel it: This is the most powerful step. You have to actually feel and believe you have what you wanted. This is the one step that will generate that power to grant you what you want.
6. Show gratitude: Think of all those past issues you had a few months ago that brought you down but now is non-existent. Thank the universe for removing those obstacles. Motivate it to give you more.
7. Keep faith: This is the most difficult of all. Trust that the universe is going to grant you your wish. If you question it at any point, you are again attracting negative energy. Your wish might be granted in a day or a week or a month, you have to keep faith regardless.
8. Be happy: Remove the negative people in your life. Let go of the ones that make you unhappy. Start your day with happy thoughts. Read a funny joke. Watch funny movies. Stay away from stuff that depresses you.
9. Make a collage: Create a visual of everything you want and look at it everyday. Cut out pictures from magazines or photographs of what you want. Make that your motivation.
10. A pocket full of happiness:  Store a pocket full of happy memories and whenever you sense a negative thought creeping close, pull a happy thought out. Drive the negativity away. Do fun things. Sing a song, paint a picture, play with your pet, look at happy people, etc. (Look at the pictures below)

These are some simple guidelines to train yourself to get the universe to work for you. If you have had recent moments of euphoria, think about it as much as you can, in as much detail as you can. You will attract more such episodes into your life. If you constantly think about the failures in life, you are inviting more such misery into your life. Use positive words and phrases. Avoid negations. Instead of saying, “I don’t want to get sick” say, “I am healthy and happy”.

So try this mantra. Make a wish for what you want and actually see it happen. These are the laws of attraction. It’s a science and it will happen!

My Journey through Life —with love {Part-5: Falling in love}

Coming to the most complex of human relationships which no human has been able to figure out is the complex relationship between a male and a female; a state of being in love.

What makes this relationship complex? Why do people crave for it yet not know how to get it?  These are few questions that come to mind when talking about it. This is one relationship, which is very very malleable, brittle and volatile and has indefinite boundaries. Earlier in previous posts, I wrote about the definition of love and the many ways it could be described. Well, this is that relationship in which you would find all those flavors and that is what makes it so complex.  Every relationship is different and it is hard to put it all in one mould.

Even though this is known to be one of the most complex of relationships, it is also the most coveted. Everyone searches for it, wants to experience it and dreams of finding  love some day. There are many terms associated with this experience, such as true love, soulmates, unconditional love, passion, commitment, and so on.,  Considering it is so difficult to find, when found, it is lost pretty easily too. If just finding a person to love is not difficult enough, staying in love is an equally daunting task. It has been rightly said that, love is not for the faint hearted. Love needs courage.

Many ‘love stories’ end even before it begins because some people lack the courage to step up and tell the other that they love them. The fear of rejection is so much more stronger than the fact that they are in love. Is acceptance so important? What happens if that love is rejected? Do they just move on to another? or do they never love again? Let me share a story about two people.

The story began while they were studying in college. The boy fell in love with the girl the moment he saw her. He stayed far and watched her everyday, fiercely protecting her without her knowledge from any trouble. She was completely oblivious to his existence, let alone his feelings. A couple of years later, some friends hinted to her about his feelings which she immediately disregarded.  Towards the end of their college career, the boy approached the girl and earnestly told her about his feelings. He expressed his wishes to meet her parents and propose in the right manner. She said she was not interested as she did not know him. She politely declined and went away. After college they went their separate ways. Many many years later, she found out that after she rejected his proposal, he went to his parents and said he can never love another again so for their sake he will marry any girl they choose. And he did. When asked about it he apparently said, “Just because she said no, I can’t stop loving her. I loved her everyday for four years. My love was not conditional to her acceptance.”

Is this true love? Or is it love only when both are completely invested in it?

Lets move on to the scenario where the boy and girl are equally interested and find in each other what they had been looking for. Once the getting to know you phase is over, they start being themselves. This is the crucial phase because now they are revealing their true personalities. The lucky few seal their love in this stage because they realize that they are definitely meant for each other. For the rest, this is the beginning of a long agonizing period of arguments, distrust, setting rules and conditions, which ultimately destroys it completely. This tornado leaves behind broken hearts, wounded egos and unforgettable experiences. They try hard to mend it and the harder they try, the deeper the cracks run. Some do manage to survive, they pick up the pieces and set it straight again. For many its a fight within themselves to accept the failure.

How does it begin to go wrong?

As one gets closer in a relationship the demands increase, they want a lot of attention, they become very possessive and they try to control what the other person does, they even go as far as telling the other person what they should like or dislike, it other words some relationships turn slowly into a low level dictatorship. All this is suffocating and they start throwing temper tantrums. This is a person who had silently tried to fight being changed and then suddenly changes so much that he/she becomes unrecognizable to his or her own self.

They revolt. Then what?

The people who swear by the word freedom, and say that they would give their partners a lot of respect and freedom are the ones who curtail and suffocate the other. They become too demanding and somewhere here they have crossed the line and have moved over from love to devotion. They start demanding devotion. Many people start confusing extreme love to possessiveness. Possessiveness is love with lots of restrictions and demands. It is the need to know every minute what that person is up to. A need to be told everything that goes on in their life; it is insecurities at its worst. It is not giving the person their freedom or respect. It is expecting the person to be at their beck and call. Possessiveness is letting the other person think for you and take that as the guidelines for you to run your life by. Giving into possessiveness is killing ones self-respect and identity. These relationships can’t last long.

Love whose foundation is based on pity, sacrifice, materialistic matters and possessiveness will crumble. At some point it breaks free from all the restraints.

Then what is love?

So long we just spoke about the darker side of love but there is the rosy side too. Love that has been made immortal in countless movies, ballads or a dashing couple from Mills & Boon. It can be rewarding and fulfilling. It can be best described as the next stage of a very good friendship. When people take a step further from being very good friends it turns into love. When there is a physical aspect involved in friendship it becomes love. When you feel happiness is in just being with the person, its love. When you feel happy just because the other is happy then that’s love. When you can feel what the other person is feeling and you can understand them completely then that is love. When in love you are able to look beyond their mistakes and give them a second chance. You are able to live in today, for today and not think of tomorrow.  Everything around you looks beautiful, and you feel an inner peace inside you that leaves you smiling even when you are alone, when you feel very confident about yourself, when that special someone adds to your aura, when that person makes you a better person and becomes an important part of your life, when you want to share every joy every sorrow, every success every failure with that person, when you want to involve that person in your future, when you feel that this is the person you want to grow old with then that is LOVE. Love is being secure in your surroundings. Love is being sure of what you are and about your partner. Love just brings out the best in you and makes you a better person.

In my first post, I shared the definition of love which said that love is ‘something that is described as a liking for pleasure without compensation, gratuitously’ which means that you just give in love  and do not expect anything in return.  Yet we say that love satisfies some need in the other person. Two conflicting statements, but what it really means is that the need that is being satisfied is a subconscious need. You don’t go around looking for someone to satisfy you, be it, intellectually, physically, mentally, emotionally, artistically…. But when that happens then you do start liking that person because that person is making you happy and when you ask yourself why that person is making you happy the answer usually lies within you. There is something that you lacked, was a priority and defines who you are. That need is being fulfilled by this love.  That is your identity. That should give you an insight as to what you are by just looking at what is important to you.

One of my first experiences I remember about the male-female relationship was when I was still in my high school. I had this neighbor who apparently liked me very much and so to prove his point he just went ahead and put down his feelings for me in blood on paper and sent it to me! I was aghast that someone would hurt themselves just to make a point. I didn’t like him because my only thinking was that how can a person be capable of respecting somebody when you can’t respect yourself. That was my first realization about how people go out of their way to make a point and what infatuation is all about.

Unfortunately incidents like these became the main reason that I was misled on the meaning of love and a good relationship with anyone. I never believed in love and didn’t trust anyone too. I figured there is nothing like love and what the other person felt was plain attraction and infatuation. Most of the cases that was true too but even if there was a chance of one developing into a true love, I never gave it a chance and never let myself be drawn into it.

I realized that for some people devotion is an extension of love and for some love is an extension of friendship. Those people who experienced love and devotion had a much more romantic and a more theatrical relationship with lots of highs and lows, thrills and extreme feelings, but for those who found love as an extension to their long friendship, it was very quiet, romantic, calm, peaceful, something which was very much present but not something you spoke about everyday but knowing that it was there and just feeling it.

If I had loved what would I look for?

If I were honest with myself, I would say that I would want someone to love me with the same intensity that I would love him. I don’t believe in the single track-martyr kind of love. I need to be repaid for giving out my love. I need to know that my love is being acknowledged and is being reciprocated. Without that I am sure I wouldn’t last long. I feel like I have so much love, which is so intense that, I worry that I could suffocate someone with my love if I let go completely. I would definitely require security, affection, friendship and some amount of devotion too from him. I wouldn’t require him to be perfect in everyway but I would respect him for knowing his shortcomings. Also, somebody who can be a constructive critic and make me a better person. He would have to be someone I could respect for the person he is. Likewise, I would want him to respect me and also the people around him. Someone who can keep me safe and someone who can bring out the best in me.

So I had to get my experiences about love from various books and the people around me who fell in love. Some succeeded, many failed. Each one though had a unique story of its own. I look back at those years when I had a chance at love and where I stand today in my present and realize I did good. I feel complete, I feel loved and I have people around me to share my completeness with.

More about it in my next post!

To sum it all up:

1. “What’s the difference?” I asked him. “Between the love of your life, and your soulmate?” “One is a choice, and one is not.” ― Tarryn Fisher, Mud Vein
2. “There is no such thing as a soulmate…and who would want there to be? I don’t want half of a shared soul. I want my own damn soul.” Ely in Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List
3. “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.” ― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
4. “When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.” ― Jess C. Scott, The Intern
5. “I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.” ― Shana Abe

 

My Journey through Life —with love {Part-4: Befriending love}

Befriending love

Next, we come to a complicated relationship. That’s the relationship between friends. Actually it’s a very simple relationship but tends to get complicated over time and people make it more complicated. It is also one of the most important relationships everyone goes through in their lifetime.

Friendship is important because by the time you realize about this relationship a person is grown up enough that the people around him or her can make an effect on their personality. The people that surround you are the people that will most likely define what you become. These are people who give their love, respect, friendship and trust to believe in you in every step and help you make the right decisions. It’s very true when people say show me your friends and I will tell you who you are. That is how important friends become in defining a person.

A person just chooses a person as a friend for what they are, something they like about the person and they tend to grow together and help each other in evolving as a better person. They are happy to just be together and are able to share everything about themselves with ease. These are friends who always look out for the well-being of the other and want the other to succeed always in life and share every milestone crossed with happiness.

Though it starts out in a very simple manner, very easy, no pressure, no rules it very soon becomes difficult sometimes. The one problem many face is the boundaries of this relationship, how far can it go, how many liberties you can take with your friend, what are the expectations etc etc., and these things tend to weigh the relationship down. More often than not other feelings creep in, jealousy, protectiveness, possessiveness etc., This is one emotion creating lots of problems in this relationship and also puts the relationship thru lots of stress and tests. Unlike other relationships so far discussed, one has to know the other person completely and trust is the most expensive gift one can receive or give to the other person. The foundation of the whole relationship stands on trust. Its very hard to get it back once you lose it in a person.

It is said love is like a violin, the music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever. Similarly for friendship it is said that, friendship is like a china dish, once broken can be mended but the crack always remains. What it means is that love can be rekindled but the trust in a friendship is hard to find once you lose it. Feelings in a friendship are very deep rooted and every emotion here has taken its own time to develop.

As kids we really don’t know the intensity and gravity of feelings that goes into a friendship. Therefore the person, the kid hangs around with a lot becomes the ‘best friend’ but as adults we delve more into the persons likes and dislikes and we pick and choose our friends. Then you start sharing everything with the friend, every success, every disappointment, every idea, every little thing you do, in happiness and in sorrow friends are always together.

Every person who has a true friend knows how lucky they are to have the good fortune of having a good friend. These are the people who stick with us thru thick or thin, these are the people who do not judge us by what we have and what we do not have, these are the people who like us for what we are and have accepted us with all our shortcomings. These people do not try to change us but do look out for our benefit and good always. Now with so many good things going for this relationship, what goes wrong?

Its usually jealousy with a dash of possessiveness!

The relationship between friends is like a close knit family. People can’t get in very easily and once you get in you are not allowed to go out easily too. When a new person enters in then usually that person ends up putting a spoke in the wheel of a smooth running friendship.  For example: Say one of the friends is entering a new business and the other thinks it’s not a good idea and tries to talk him out of it. Sometimes a person might misunderstand it for standing in the way of the other person’s success. Another example is when one of the friends gets a new love interest then the protective instincts of the friend kicks in and when one tries to tell the other what’s right or wrong it’s not acceptable.

Usually when the friend has been protective in other circumstances their judgment is not questioned and is accepted but when the similar judgment is passed under the ‘love’ circumstances or about choosing your partner, its not accepted. The person being judged might be wrong sometimes too because they might be rushing to choose their partner and the ever loving, ever protective friend does not want their friend to get hurt. The person who is passing a judgment might sometimes be wrong because sometimes the friend feels threatened by the entry of a new person into their friend’s life. They are not sure if they can accept the time sharing between friends. The friendship feels threatened. This sometimes causes problems between friends.

But then again we come across those friendships that are so strong they withstand all tests and come out winners. These people might even say that if a friendship can get threatened simply by the entry of another person into their lives then that is not a true friendship at all.

Correct? Wrong.

A friendship is formed between humans and each human is as different as chalk and cheese from the other. And humans err. They have likes and dislikes. They are selfish. They are protective-possessive. And these things define the friendship so some may have gone through all these emotions to come out stronger. Whereas some may not have gone through all these emotions but just remained strong and untested.  This by no means can be called a battle lost and these people cannot be termed as weaklings. These people just did not have patience to explore all avenues, these people were just not confident enough to talk to the other friend about the problems or issues they have. They were just a bunch of unlucky people.

The depth of a friendship cannot be measured with the amount of time/years spent with the friend. People usually get confused and think that the more time they spend with a person the closer they are and they tend to get drawn into revealing themselves emotionally. They feel like since they have spent so much time with each other they have to reveal all their inner feelings. Another assumption people make is that they start thinking that the more they are together the more they have to reveal themselves to make it last, that’s not true; you don’t have to have a ‘tell all’ friend. It’s not a rule or necessary to tell them everything that happens to you. Also the notion that people believe in that there should be no secrets between friends is also wrong. Everybody has a right to live their lives, keep their secrets and if they say that you are not a true friend for hiding your feelings, then they are just trying to emotionally blackmail you to satisfy their curiosity.

The main reason for a friendship to last is RESPECT.

Everybody has to give the other person their due respect. One has to respect the other person’s wishes, privacy and individuality. That is what friendship is all about. And when this is achieved then that friendship is a bond that lasts forever.

I am not saying friends should always co-exist peacefully and should not have fights or arguments. Friendship is not always a walk through the park. There are lots of hurdles to be overcome, there will be lots of fights, debates and arguments but as long as each one respects the other person’s views and lets go of it when they have to then it doesn’t matter. If one can’t point out the mistakes in the friend and if one can’t respect the other person’s views then something is wrong in that relationship.

So we can say a friend is a person who makes you feel better, makes you a better person and puts in so much of his own goodness that together both become the best. If a person can get the best out of the other, if that person can make you laugh or cry, if that person can lead you from darkness unto light, if that person can satisfy some inner need in you however small or big then that person is a friend.

How happy am I with the kind of friends I have? I am very fortunate to have some very good friends but they are very few and I feel sad that I don’t have many more. I have often wondered why I didn’t have many friends.

One reason I don’t have many friends is that I never had a stand still life in a single place during my growing up years to form a close bond with anyone. My dad was in the kind of job that required him to move around from one place to another so we were constantly being uprooted from our bases and put into entirely new cultures and among new people. But even in this short period of time I was able to find some good friends. Some are friends I am not in touch with very frequently but they are my friends. I know that when I meet them I can connect with them and pick up the relationship from where I left it of. These are people I trust and respect and who in return trust and respect me.

Another pattern I have noticed in life is that in general men seem to have more friends than women. Why? Being a woman I questioned myself too as to why we women can’t have lot of friends. Speaking for myself I would like to say that maybe it’s because of the easy going nature of men and the insecure nature of a woman. Women by birth are very insecure and they constantly have a need to seek attention, security, respect etc from time to time. They tend not to seal a relationship by thinking that he or she is my friend so let me leave it at that, they try to keep it open by constantly having the need to be told that they are important to the other. This is a major drawback because a relationship needs to grow with time and if a person is still stuck at the basics of sealing or defining a relationship then it will never grow. It is bound to fall apart. It would require great patience and understanding from the other to convince them otherwise and who on earth has the patience to do it for a long time? Not many.

I have personally learnt a lot from my friends; each friend has only enriched me more and made me better than what I am. Each person has given me a lot to improve myself. I have always tried to take the good from them but sometimes I did take some things from some friends that would make me more rebellious or more defiant in my behavior. This mostly happened during my adolescent age wherein one gets so carried away with the possibilities around them and the freedom in their hands that one would end up doing things that they normally would not do but would get encouraged to do it in the company of their friends. But then like everything else you outgrow these too and they become just memories for you and your friends to talk about later on in life.

Do I feel I would have been a different person if not for the friends in my life? I would say, Yes. My friends have had a good influence over me. Over the years I have learnt from them and changed myself too. If one friend has taught me to be confident about myself, one has shown me how to voice out my feelings and to be stronger in what I believe in. One has made me realize that its ok to make mistakes as long as we do it only once and not repeat it again. Then there was the one who gave me lessons in human reproduction, telling me things you don’t learn in books. I also remember the friend who taught me how to dress properly and carry myself in public.  I got lessons in social etiquettes, and the importance of a good smile. So definitely everyone in my life has left their mark on me and they are reflected in everything I do and everything I am made out to be. Parents educate us only up to a certain point in our life, they lay our basic foundation but I feel friends take over later on when you are out on your own in the wide world. I have had ups and downs with my friends but I know who I can count on when the need comes. I also know there are some who will count on me to be with them, in their time of need. And you bet I will!

Today, in the age of media that travels at the speed of light, the world has become very small. Social networking sites like, Facebook, Twitter, Linked-In and instant messaging systems like Whatsapp, hangouts and so on have assisted in breeding and breaking friends. We now have long lost friends discovering each other and connecting with each other. People live across continents but are in touch with each other everyday. But then there is a saying, ‘Familiarity breeds contempt’! So the over familiarity has also managed to destroy few relationships. Its wrong to blame anyone or anything for it. A relationship can only be as strong as the people in it are. Over the years, I have lost few, found few and grew apart from a few. One thing I can say honestly is that each one of them have made a positive impact on my life. I can easily think of every friend I had or have and list out the ways in which they have shaped me. They may be out of sight today but they are definitely not out of mind. I salute them for all the good times we had!

Friends are the building blocks of our lives. If these building blocks are good and strong then that decides your future. They can make us or break us and in my case I can definitely say they have made me better and they are my friends for life. Let me end with a few meaningful quotes.

Here is what some famous people had to say about friendship:

1. Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. – Helen Keller
2. Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything. – Muhammad Ali
3. Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over. – Octavia Butler
4. When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. – Henri Nouwen
5. A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. – Jim Morrison
6. Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. – C. S. Lewis

My Journey through Life —with love

PART I – Quote, Unquote.

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Every once in a while we sit down and ponder, about life. What we have made of it and how successful we are. Who am I  and am I who I wanted to be? We also reflect on all those moments, people and  relationships that shaped our life.  Some that have scarred us forever and some that have miraculously touched our heart.

In reflections, the one thing that comes to the forefront is the colorful emotions that we experience in life, emotions that most definitely define us and make us who we are. One emotion that inevitably comes to mind is ‘Love’. What is Love? Its importance, its meaning, its value and its origin?  The answers we seek and the answers we find usually do not match.

Some quotable quotes:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
― Dr. Seuss

or just Click on the link to read what Bob Marley says about love!

One American poet put it perfectly when he said, “Everyone admits love is wonderful and necessary yet no one agrees on just what it is.”

That’s absolutely true. Everybody talks about it, seem to have an opinion about it, have experienced it in someway or the other but most of them seem unsatisfied about the quality and quantity of love they have received. So I took it upon my self to go on a journey of finding the meaning of love. I wanted to put down the various changes an important emotion called ‘love’ goes through in life as a person grows and how it’s meaning changes in every relationship. How it changes you and makes you who you are.

Love is like soul food to a person. It is the elixir of life and brings us lot of joy. It can be so fulfilling that you feel secure in every breath you take. It brings out the best in you, making you more confident and puts a smile on your face. That is what love does to you but what does it actually mean? When I actually sat down to write this article I found myself at a loss for words as to how to describe love. It was difficult to put forth a rainbow of emotions in a page. So I will try to write it in parts, one color at a time!

So I was off on my journey, to find the meaning of love. Like everyone else I too tried the easy way out and made my first stop at the dictionary. What I found surprised me and left me more confused than ever.

Here’s what it said,

“ LOVE, n.,

–    a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

• a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for parent, child, or friend.
• Sexual passion or desire
• A person toward whom love is felt; beloved person sweetheart
• Used in direct address as a term of endearment affection or the like
• A love affair; an intensely amorous incident
• Sexual intercourse; copulation
• Personification of sexual affection, as Eros or cupid
• Affectionate concern for the well-being of others
• Strong predilection, enthusiasm or liking for anything
• The object or thing so liked
• The benevolent affection of god for his creatures or the reverent affection due from them to god
• Out of affection or liking for pleasure without compensation; gratuitously
• Feeling deep affection or passion for…; enamored of…
• To have profoundly tender, passionate affection for…

– SYN: tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration, love, affection and devotion all mean a deep enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard, the charity of the creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person etc., Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense form of love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause.

This was the meaning given in the dictionary!!! I guess by far this must be the longest explanation for a four-letter word in any dictionary. The fact that it needs such a lengthy explanation goes to say that there’s no one way to explain it and it still leaves some questions in the mind of the seeker. It was confusing. What is love? How do you differentiate between friendship, love and lust –the three parts of love? Why is it so important to a person’s life that it makes and breaks people? How much of love is enough? How do you measure love? And so on…

I realized there was more to love than what we see and hear. I often hear people saying when asked to describe love that “its hard to describe love, you have to feel it”. They are probably right, one has to experience it to know what it is. That is because the experience of love is unique to every person and only the person who has experienced it knows what was felt.  Love is the very essence of life. It brings everyone closer. It brings in trust, faith, affection and more importantly hope. It gives hope for a day filled with sunshine and that makes life go on. That’s the power of love. In every relationship it plays a different role and everywhere it leaves its mark.

When I asked my close friends what they felt about love and what they would do for love, I got all kinds of responses. Here is a brief assimilation of their responses.

“One has to be mature to know love and what happens at a younger age is infatuation and ………  Love involves a great deal of sacrifices and a give and take policy , in sacrificing something for your loved one there is a special feeling of joy. You get in return what you give , I don’t expect anything but love and affection that is all , on the other hand from my side I am willing to give all my love to the person involved.”

“Love is a little bit of Heaven here on Earth. Love is next to God to me…. the person to whom I say this means everything to me, and my world revolves around him/her In love the question as to how much can be given or expected can never arise.  Love to me is to give, give and give and when you give something it should not be measured in any terms.  And when you have given so much you automatically get it back, but how much you get back you never know and again it should not be measured.  This according to ME IS LOVE.”

“The word here is “mutual”… that’s what it is all about… how two minds and two souls work at tandem… in a seamless and synchronous way… freedom is an in-built attribute of this mutuality and the compromise has to come from both parties…. well, what percentage…? that’s debatable….. but I, personally,  would go to any extent of compromise… because you are doing it for someone u love… and that’s where ultimate happiness is to be found… so, that I guess is the bottom-line… no cribbing, being reasonable and being practical… is the essence of a true relationship…”

“It is bigger than life itself. When I think of love, I think of my kid first. Nothing in the world is more pure than the feeling I feel for my child. Love is sharing. To me the phrase “I love you” does not mean much. To me love is the feeling…the bond that keeps you going. I definitely don’t get carried away when my husband says “I love you”. But I most definitely get carried away when I see the concern or the struggle to want the best for me and our kid. Why is it that we make up and move on in spite of a vicious fight???? That to me is love! The joy I feel inside my heart when my child gives me a hug or a kiss…which nobody really told it to do. That to me is love.”

“Love is a state of mind, it’s probably the most abstract thing I’ve come across…. for one thing, when you love someone, you want to be with them. Not just be with them, but share everything with them. You have a great day at work and want to rush home and tell them every wonderful thing that has happened. You feel excited at the prospect of just being in their company, just being close to them isn’t enough, and you want to be a part of them, a part of their life forever. You can’t stand the thought of being away from them, yet when you are, you still feel that ever-present bond that ties you together wherever you go. You can almost feel what they are feeling. With a little bit of effort, you can see what they are seeing and think what they are thinking. It is almost as if you both can occupy each other’s bodies with complete trust and harmony. That to me is love…. plain old love.”

“Love is natural & irrational but very important ……Love is a moment that lasts forever…Love is everything, it is that catalyst, that real essence in Life. When I say I love someone I mean that this person is the one whom I have embraced totally (emotionally, mentally physically…etc) When I love someone all my saved up wishes start coming out When someone says that they love me it makes me elated, proud and privileged because one thing I know is that true love is one of the rarest things on this planet. True Love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about but few have seen. It also makes me feel responsible that I owe it to that person because when someone says that they love me I hope what they mean is “I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.  I would love to give everything for true love and expect nothing in return because, If you have Love you don’t need to have anything else. If you don’t have it, doesn’t matter much what else you do have.”

“Love………. should be unconditional……what a mother has for a child, what a child gives to a mother. ..that’s love….. Well one form of love —which in my mind is the purest of all….. When I say I love someone I mean that….for the most part I expect the same for the most part, i.e., unconditional love……the question is whether we all keep our word in this so-called pragmatic world.”

“Love is a two-sided coin. It can strengthen or stifle, expand or enfeeble, perfect or pauperize. When love is returned we are taken to new heights unseen, where it delights, invigorated and beautifies. When love is spurned we feel crippled, disconsolate and bereaved. Love is belonging to someone unconditionally”

“Love is unconditional ie. when your partner is happy you are happy. You do everything in your might to see them happy. Love is all about sharing, caring, trust and freedom. Love is how you feel when you are with them or even when u think about them. Love is pure and devoid of social stigmas and negativity “

“When being selfless comes naturally. That is love:)”

“Love always comes with expectations. Only love without expectations is with children. In this relationship there is only give, give and give”

“I experience love when somebody goes an extra mile and turns an impossible issue possible. For eg if a person knows about my likes and dislikes and gives importance to my likes …..then tell others that this is what she likes and this is what she dislikes….. that concern for me is just because they love me”

“Love is something which no words can explain. Love can only be felt from within. The warmth of love can make anything possible. Love makes a persons dreams come true. In short love makes you to fall in love with yourself and everyone, everything around you”

“ Love is Love only when it is selfless …… It is very very rare to find. What a husband feels for a wife or what a wife feels for a husband is NOT love I feel because it is not selfless. There are expectations in return. Even what a lover feels towards his or her lover isn’t Love because again ….There are expectations in return.”

“The only true instance of Love ….I feel ….is the love felt by a mother or father towards their child . There is no parallel to that sort of Love. That Love is blind. It ignores all faults and shortcomings of the child and expects nothing in return. Love cannot get purer than that ….”

So everyone had different theories on love. But almost everyone found the question difficult to answer and agreed that ‘love’ was an important part of their life. Some had it, some didn’t. The ones who had it wanted more and ones who didn’t felt they were incomplete.

In my next part, I will address the different forms of love a person comes across in his or her journey through life.

(To be continued) 

Conversations With Myself: Staying calm and focused

We were on our way to a weekend retreat, away in the mountains, far away from the hustle-bustle of a city life. A weekend to be spent discovering myself, meditating and connecting with the inner me. I was excited to be spending some time with like-minded individuals and learning more from experienced and learned individuals. There were many things I took away from the retreat. One that stuck to me and which I want to talk about here is the Eight Powers. The Eight Powers we need to exercise to restore calm and finding internal focus. These eight powers are like shields or soldiers that stand before us and can protect us from pain. Who and what are these powers?

1. Power to withdraw:  Sometimes you just need to withdraw into your shell and protect yourself. Like a turtle! There is nothing wrong in going there. Go ahead and withdraw attention from the world around you. Be an introvert. Reflect.  Stop. Put the phone down. Withdraw within yourself and create the silence. Give the inner you some time to reflect and come out stronger.
2. Power to pack up: It is having the ability to control your mind, intellect and your memories. Having the strength to let go of the past and the power to be open to a new way… a better way. Pack up all the good things you need and discard the rest. You don’t need that baggage.
3. Power to tolerate:  Give yourself the power to not be affected by external and internal events and when needed to respond to those events positively. Try not to take in the negativity. Thoughts and feelings are your own creation; they exist only because of your mind. So be a detached observer. Tolerate what happens around you. Change is constant so the pain that exists now, will be gone in a moment.
4. Power to cooperate: Trying to see someone’s highest qualities of character and not their weakness are an act of cooperation. It allows one to give without depleting your own energy. You are strong and you know it. You are good and you feel it. There is no need to desire praise from someone else, because your soul is independent and certain of his/her own worth. You don’t need to be validated by another.
5. Power of discernment: To have the ability to discriminate from real to false. This can come only from being detached from the senses. Like a diamond merchant you should be able to pick out the one real diamond among hundreds of fake shiny ones, you should be able to discern the real truth.
6. Power of judgment: Be the judge for yourself. You and only you know truth.  So make right decisions and stick to them. Be honest. Honest to yourself, within yourself and for yourself. Don’t be afraid to talk to yourself. The inner you is your friend and will tell you the truth…always.
7. Power to face: You have the power to emerge courageous and honest such that nothing is too fearsome to handle. Your soul has done inner work to become powerful. So face the issue. Face yourself. Don’t hide and don’t run. You can face it!
8. Power to accommodate: A power that emerges whenever a situation becomes awkward or difficult and shows the way to set things right and to be flexible. Create a space for those difficult people and issues. You have the power to sort it out.

It was an amazing experience to give so much importance to myself, almost to the point of feeling selfish and narcissistic. But then, that is the right way to begin. You are in this world not to fix someone else’s problems, not to create world peace, but to just make yourself a better person. Help yourself, change yourself and focus just on yourself. Now if everyone could just do that, wouldn’t the world be peaceful anyways??!!