The Iron Lady I knew

We stood next to her hospital bed and watched her breathe laboriously but slowly. We knew the time had come and we just stood next to her holding her hand, smoothing her forehead or comforting her chest. The pulse oximeter was showing a gradual drop in numbers, 67…61…58…45… and suddenly just a ‘?’. There was a flat line and we expectantly waited for her to gasp and take a breath but it never came. Just like that, she was gone. 

25 years ago my parents asked me to choose between three proposals to get married. All three potential grooms were software engineers working in the USA. They came home to see me with my parents. When they left the choice to me, I told them I want to marry Sanjay. Everyone was happy with my decision and asked me what made me zero in on him, pat came my answer “I like his parents, they seem to be forward thinkers, I am sure they brought up a good human and I know I will be happy in that house”. Everyone was shocked that I was marrying because I liked the in-laws. 25 years later, I can say that my decision was right. 

My mother in law herself was an amazing human and her recent passing has left a deep void in everyone’s life that she touched. She was the foundation on which the entire family stood and everyone looked up to her for strength and comfort. I grew to respect and admire her more as time passed and I have learned so much from her over the years.  She led by example and all I did was watch and learn over the years. The dignity with which she conducted her life until her final days is inspiring. She would always say that all that she wants is for her whole family to be with her, around her, when she passes. And just as she willed it happened. We were all around her, with her, holding her hand during her last few days.

Family always came first and she was fiercely protective of everyone. The only thing that made her immensely happy was to have everyone around her, laughing and talking. She would cook these amazing dishes for everyone and even though she was a vegetarian, she had no problem cooking some elaborate meat recipes for the family. Her signature dishes like Gongura Mutton, Mutton Dum Biriyani, Dum-Ka-Chicken, Fish Pulusu, Pulagam, Borugulu Upma, Keema Untalu were delicious, delectable, mouthwatering, tasty, lip-smacking, yummy, wonderful in taste and aroma. We grew up loving her dishes and that transferred to her grandkids, who placed demands on her every time they visited. 

She was instrumental in instilling in me the importance of taking care of oneself, no matter the age or how busy life gets, she always encouraged making time for the self. No matter what was going on around the house, in between all of the daily routines, she made time for her self to do things that would make her happy. Be it taking care of her emotional well being by spending time praying or taking care of her physical self with some healthy routines. She insisted on making time for walks, yoga and even the parlor to color those few grey strands or a pedicure to soften the cracks on her heels. She would often call me asking what she should do for dark circles or reduce pigmentation or soften hands. I would research the best products and send them her way and she would give me her reviews on how well they worked or not!

Another thing I loved about her, was how she allowed everyone to be themselves. She was very accepting of people’s personalities and didn’t try to change that. I would often lament to her that I am not very verbose in my affections and she would quickly dismiss it and say that it doesn’t matter because even if I can’t express in words, I was very frank and the honesty of my affections comes across without words. She would often tell me that like me, she also had a problem being diplomatic because she had the habit of saying things as they are. She would say she can’t be like other people who say one thing to the face and another behind the back. She despised such people and spoke less to them or about them. And she was true to her word. I have never heard her gossip about anyone, she stuck to more facts and fewer opinions. She always had a few strong words to say to any family member who tried to gossip in front of her! Some of us have been on the receiving end of her sermons.

The piousness with which she conducted her life was above par. Her life revolved around many many religious tasks every day. She started and ended her day in the name of God. Once she showered and got dressed for her daily rituals, none of us were allowed to touch her until she finished her prayers. She would just sit for hours chanting prayers, decorating the many gods and praying for the well being of her family. One of her last physical acts before she passed is a testimony to how connected she felt to her God. On the last day that she was conscious in the hospital, I remember that she was in and out of consciousness and was barely moving. At some point that evening Sanjay came and stood by her bed and took out his phone and showed her a picture of Sai Baba. He called out to her and said: “Amma look this is Sai Baba, your favorite God.” She opened her eyes, looked at the phone and then she slowly raised both her hands, which were covered with IV lines, band-aids and the pulse oximeter, touched the phone in a revering manner, folded her palms to a Namaste and closed her eyes. She never opened her eyes again and passed away the next day. Such was her attachment to her God.

She was one of the strongest women I knew. All through her life, she showed that grit when dealing with any calamity that befell the family. She would give us strength by saying “Everything would be ok”. She would say that and go on some extra fasting or another elaborate pooja spree to pray for our well-being. Even after she was diagnosed with cancer, she took it in stride and went through the treatments in a dignified manner. We respected her wishes by not telling friends and relatives which allowed her to interact with them normally. She told us that she would prefer not having people call her, cry about her condition and depress her more. So when I made my daily call to her on my way to work, the first 30 seconds was her giving me an update about her health and the next 30 minutes we talked about random stuff, joking and laughing as normal.

During her final days, while she was in the hospital, the doctors had given up all hope and told us that she would pass in a day or two at the most but she held through for seven days. The doctors were surprised and attributed it to her fighting spirit but others had a different opinion. Being a Sai Baba and an Ammavaru devotee a close friend told us that she is waiting to pass on an upcoming auspicious day. We were all skeptical about the power of one choosing their own time of death. But she held through and she did. She passed, according to the Hindu calendar on the most auspicious day and time. That moment that came between a Thursday and a Friday, a day that was important to her Sai Baba and also her Ammavaru, a day called Ekadasi (the eleventh lunar day of each of the two lunar phases which occur in a Hindu calendar month) is considered to be a very spiritual day and an auspicious time, called the Brahma Muhurtham or the ‘Creator’s Hour’. According to Hindu scriptures, a passing during this period grants you direct entry into heaven with no rebirths. She passed away at 3.02 am on Friday morning of Ekadasi. As unbelievable as it may sound, she seemed to have timed her own passing from this world. 

She has left a big void in our lives and we will all truly miss her. I am still reeling from the loss and it still hasn’t sunk in that she will not come out to greet us when we walk in the door no matter the time. The tyranny of her empty room devastates us.  Every time I think the tears are done, a few find their way out again. We are overwhelmed but not surprised at the outpouring of love, thoughts, and prayers that people have offered over the past couple of weeks. Many have shared the stories they share with her and we are amazed to see how many lives she has touched. 

 It’s going to take a long time for the family to recover from this. Although we had a year to prepare for this, you can never ever be prepared for such a final loss. This is a terrible long defeat for all of us as a family. Rest in peace athamma.

This is one of the last pictures we took of her at home before she left for the hospital; two of her grandkids walking her back to her room at 4 am the night we landed.